Oh Starbucks – My Starbucks

So I’m sitting here at Starbucks in Laurel – the one by the mall – since we have 3 here. I know that sitting here among strangers will keep me focused on the tasks at hand. My PhD application, which I just filled in the answers to the easy questions; updating my resume, and applying to jobs that will pay over $100k/yr (why not aim high??? I’m worth it!) Too bad all the jobs that pay that much are directors and you need 10 years of biostatistics experience… I got to calc 2 in high school and than didn’t have to take math again until my masters where I actually took biostats but didn’t pay attention because I never thought I’d need to go into research!!! Good one Hawaii… But it really can’t be that hard to learn it – its just a freaking computer program – I was a monster on my Ti-85.. same thing, just bigger – right?!?!? Anyway, so maybe I’ll look into playing around on SPSS (said biostat software.) If I could get it down – I’d be rich. That seems to be the only field that is paying in public health. I saw a FULL TIME job that required a masters paying $22k/yr HERE IN DC!!! I couldn’t even afford to live on my teachers salary and that was well over $50k/yr! $22K/yr isn’t even the cost of gas to get to work. These people are crazy. I should make A LOT more money in the “corporate world” as opposed to “public school.”
So there is a cute Asian guy who works here… although he could be a boy… or he could be a man… I can’t tell. He has braces… hahaha. I’m thinking he’s legal… HAHA. Really he could be anywhere from 17-27 and I wouldn’t be surprise. You tricky Asians!! I would normally chat it up with a hottie like him but I don’t want to go to jail or get banned from here.

So look at me, I’m really just procrastinating by writing this blog instead of tweaking my resume or starting on the jobs.gov applications… I’m very lucky I don’t need to find a job because I will get my teaching salary through June. My doctors want me to only get a part time job but I’m so freaking bored. I’m not just going to get some random part time job – I want it to be building experience toward my new career in public health – God I hate public health. I’d love to work in sexual health at a great non-profit but I’d never make over $35k/yr…. Rent for a one bedroom around here is easily $1500 WITHOUT utilities, cable, internet, phone bill, car payment, student loans…

Which brings me to my next rant – living with my parents (technically my mother and stepfather since I was young – my real dad has nothing to do with me.) I was gone for 8 1/2 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now I’ve been back for 6 months. It really isn’t as bad as it could be but I hate people talking to me. Leave me alone. I really don’t need to talk to you every single time I walk downstairs – especially when I stay hiding in my room to avoid you. Oh well. I only pay $500/month (which would get me my own apartment in Charlotte, NC – I will be sending my resume to high paying jobs down there) I hopefully will only be at home for 6 more months… Than I will be starting my PhD program and it should be much cheaper to live up there… its in PA.

I really think I need a vacation – or at least a hotel all to myself (and Beans) for a few days. My own space. Blast some soul songs, light some candles, and soak in a jacuzzi tub. I haven’t been on a real vacation since 2004??? I mean I’ve been to the beach since than, but its always with a packed house. That isn’t relaxing.


Alright. I’m going to go stare at my resume for a while… maybe I’ll be inspired to change a thing or 2… probably not.

Important Announcement

Well its isn’t an important announcement to the majority of you but it is to me!

MONDAY JANUARY 3rd, I GET TO START LOOKING FOR A PART-TIME JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOHOO!!


I already have my bag packed to get out of the house and go to The Starbucks to work on my resume and look for public health jobs. I know that the likelihood of being hired anytime right away are pretty slim but still!! I can get my life back together after being on bed rest and low energy activities for a YEAR.

So I have NO IDEA what I want to do. It will have to be a desk job – which I haven’t had since college (2002.) I really hate research but that could of been because I did drug addiction interventions… boring. My specialty is sexual health.

Now I have to look for jobs that I can actually commute to when needed… which pretty much rules out NIH and DC agencies/non-profits. Damn you 495!!!! I know that driving for an hour or more exhausts me – and I hate traffic for a freaking bend in the highway.

I guess I will check out Laurel Hospital and Howard General., there are some biogenetic firms nearby, and Johns Hopkins bioterrorism campus is right up the street.

I know I need to take it really slow and take an entry level job… I don’t do subordinate very well – but smile and nod… Its going to feel so weird to not be up and running around like the awesome educator I was.

So what are the 2010 buzz words I need to add to my resume???

Dr Hawaii PhD

I’m just posting this for myself so I can come back and look over the classes. This is the program I’m applying to for fall 2010. It will take the place of the PharmD I was going to get but than decided, with my rheumatologist, that it would not be the best decision for my health because the degree requires 80+ hours a week for 5 years with clinicals and lots of lab work (physically exhausting.)

This would be stressful but there is a part-time option, which I would only drop down to if my health forced me to, and honestly, I’m a dork so it will be easy. I got my undergraduate degree in 3 years, graduating at 20 years old and my masters of public health in 1.5 years and have been out of school since 22… Both from a top ranking school and both while working full time jobs within the health field.

I’m so freaking bored doing nothing!! It’s been a year!! AHHHHHH. I want to get this degree in 3 years. I want to have my PhD by 30. I should have just stayed in school and finished it by 25 but I wouldn’t trade my experiences and the certifications I’ve picked up while teaching middle school health….

Doctor of Education in Human Sexuality

Foundations (6 semester hours):

Politics of Education
Alternative Education Models
Curriculum Theory
Sexuality & Society in a Cross-Cultural Perspective
History & Ethics in Human Sexuality
Human Behavior & the Social Environment I
Sociocultural Dimensions of Social Work Practice

Research (12 semester hours)

Applications of Educational Research
Educational Statistics
Advanced Research Methods
Qualitative Research Methods in Education

Professional Core (30 semester hours)

Special Topics in Human Sexuality
Concepts in Human Sexuality
Behavioral Foundations in Human Sexuality
Human Sexuality for the Education & Counseling Professional I
Human Sexuality for the Education & Counseling Professional II
Foundations of Clinical Sexology
Sexual Dysfunctions & Their Treatment
Theories of Development & Education in Human Sexuality
Biological Foundations in Human Sexuality
Sexual Minorities
Teaching Sensitive Issues in Human Sexuality
Sensitive Issues in Clinical Sexology
Marital & Relationship Therapy
History & Policy of Religious Belief Systems
Sexuality & Chronic Illness/Disabilities
Special Topics in Human Sexuality
Literature in Human Sexuality
Theoretical Underpinnings of Human Sexuality
Group Process & Dynamics

Electives** (9 semester hours)

Practicum++ (3/6 semester hours)

Field Instruction in Sexuality Education
Field Instruction in Clinical Sexuality
Field Instruction in Clinical Sexology for dual degree MSW/PsyD students

Dissertation (18 semester hours)

Dissertation Seminar I
Dissertation Seminar II
Dissertation Research (12 semester hours)

My Galbi Recipe

My memory sucks for exactly who said they wanted to inspect my recipe…

I don’t have an actual written recipe I follow because its more of a ratio way that I cook. So this is what I would tell someone else to make my galbi:

Get 3-5lbs short ribs – thick cut. Massage meat in cold water to tenderize. Stab with fork for marinating. Douce a little rice wine on it while it soak in cold water for a bit (30 mins? an hour?)

Into a large bowl: Add in a mix of 1 large white onion minced, 1 large garlic bulb minced or crushed, 1/2 cup of soy sauce (no low sodium!! yuck), 1/3 cup of white sugar, 1/2 cup sesame oil and barley oil mix probably more barley oil, fresh cracked black pepper to taste, and 2 ground up tablespoons of sesame seeds. I don’t like the whole toasted seed just chillin on the top of the meat as a garish – they get stuck in my chompers 

Inside a paper towel I place a few sugar crystalize ginger slices, handful of torn up green onions and a skinned and sliced asian pear stabbed with a fork. Its in a paper towel so that only their flavors marinate in.

Place paper towel mix at bottom of gallon freezer bags add meat and marinade. Let sit at least overnight in the fridge. Massage and move juices a couple of times. I loooove when it can sit 2 days.

Take out meat, grill with the garlic and white onions – I’ve sometimes added mushrooms but not all the time. I prefer my tiny gas metal grill over wood chips but that because I don’t enjoy the smokey taste. The stuff in the paper towel (or cheese cloth) just stays in the bag.

Sometime I’ll pour in cola instead of the rice wine in the beginning and I’ve been know to add honey – but that only when I’m being lazy. Its because I don’t really break out the measuring cups  If I can’t find good muul yut I won’t use it and will just rock the sesame oil. I’ve tried kiwi instead of asian pears and did not like that.

My non-Korean friends love when I also use the marinade to do veggies to grill like colored peppers, carrots, red onions, non-asian mushrooms, squash and over things you can put on a kabob. They love to grill that asian pears too Hahaha

I enjoy my galbi with a sweet savory taste and very very tender.

Did I pass???? Can I cook for you all now? When I make this I typically also make Namool: sesame oil sauteed spinach and zucchini, Pa Jun, some kimchi jigae, real white rice and jap chae. And than just store buy the kimchi (make and fermenting kimchi was one of the worse experiences of my life – I am still terrified anything resembling “the kimchi fridge”); pickled diakon, mung beans, and other banchans that I can’t even begin to figured out the recipe for – this cream based salad with potatoes, carrots, zucchinis, raisins, and other veggie’s I can’t even identity??!! Anyone know????

I also can pretty successfully make pibim pap, dawji galbi, bulgogi, and the korean version of general tso chicken that I can’t remember the name of – nam nam dak??? something IDK.

Unsuccessful ventures – jang julim, and suun dae. I mean they were edible but just easier to buy from carry out. Hahaha.

Now you all are sitting there thinking I’m crazy but I have an amazing palate and can mimic almost anything I eat. I can make a filet mignon that is as close to Ruth’s Chris as you can get at home. Lasagna that friends eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I make it. Award winning MD crab soup (that the tomato based one.) and on and on. My grandmother is from the South so I can fry your socks and you’d eat them.

Alright all this food talk has made me hungry!!! Good thing tomorrow is Christmas. I’ve already got the turkey rubbed down with spices and stuffed with citrus fruits! All the traditional foods will be make from scratch accept for Stoffer’s stuffing (duh!! yummy) and I got a 10lb ham as a gift??? from the Honey Baked Ham Store (double yum.)

Freaking White Guys ;)

Seriously. this is why i don’t date white guys. something is wrong with them. I actually clicked with this white guy i met at happy hour and I gave him a chance. and than he just blew me off after like 5 awesome dates – this was a month ago. I don’t really give 2 shits about him – its totally his loss but I am noticing that I don’t trust people’s word anymore – even some friends. I have become distrustful and suspicious of stupid things I shouldn’t be. I’m afraid that I’m going to continue to not believe what people say and end up writing off someone I truly do have a connection with.

This experience has just made me bitter. I am friends with all my ex’s. I’m the most disgustingly honest person ever. I love to know what I did wrong so I can grow from it and not make the same mistake again with someone else.

Being just up and dogged – never hearing from a guy again has to be the worst, most cowardly, disrespectful thing a guy can do. Seriously, I am left thinking I did something awful or something about me is terrible. My brain knows I’m awesome and this guy is just not ready for someone as great as me. But my girlie-heart wants to tell me stupid things because thats what us women do. UG.

Anyway. My point is – MEN, Just say “I don’t want this to work because _____________” I’m a big girl, I can handle the truth and appreciate it.

*Scream*

So when you get sick and doctors can’t give your a 100% confirmed diagnosis people try to help you out by forwarding you articles about people who have been diagnosed with a rare disease that you could have. It’s a very nice thought on their part because they are trying to be helpful and want nothing more to see you happy and healthy again. But I’ve been struggling since Thanksgiving with what to do with medications and honestly have stopped taking everything. Taking pills everyday and not being better gets old.

So today’s mystery disease was Addison’s disease, which is an adrenal insufficiency of the hormone cortisol and often the hormone aldosterone. Fun times. The symptoms are similar – extreme fatigue, excessive phlegm, nagging cough… blah blah blah BUT there is one interesting symptom – your skin darkens as if you have a nice sun tan… I don’t have that (I don’t think.) I can’t tell. I did notice the other day that I still had the tan lines on my butt, which is weird cause I’m not sure they were there a few months ago and I have not had a bathing suit on since Aug! I doubt it though. (Fun Fact – JFK and Eunice Kennedy Shriver had Addison’s)

Anyway, I’m not ready to go back on the doctor tour of testing. It’s pretty much equivalent to diving head first into the pavement.

So right now without meds I’m doing alright. I still take my trazadone at night to sleep because if I don’t sleep well my body cramps up and I have a bad pain day. I’ve stopped the medications that work by keeping increase amounts of serotonin and norepinephrine to calm the over active nerves signals that I have… but it isn’t a cure. It just dulls the pain and to be honest now that I haven’t been taking it, I really think that me learning my own boundaries and resting and not having to work and cook and clean and well basically not living a normal life.

Blah blah blah. I hate talking about this crap but if I don’t release I’ll ball it all up and stress out.

Fall from Grace

I just need to get this all off my chest. I can’t carry it in my soul anymore. If I just scream as loud as I can the weight will be lifted and I will breath again.

Its been a long hard fall from what my life used to be and how great it was to what it has become now that I’m sick. I had a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, beautiful top level condo with hardwood floors, a kitchen I could cook for friends in. A couch to laugh and watch movies on. I had a job that was stressful but fulfilling. I was doing what I had worked my whole life to achieve. Now I can’t work – it will be a year on Wednesday. I’m living at home with my parents (thank God i’m not homeless) and they are a mess. My credit has been destroyed. Everything I strived for has vanished in a blink of an eye. I have friends who don’t think I’m sick – they will say things like “you aren’t always in pain” or “why are you hurting – what did you do?” NOTHING – I am always in fucking pain – I have chronic pain – just because I don’t say anything everyday about where the pain is because I know it gets old doesn’t mean I’m some fucking liar. I don’t ever want to talk about it! I’m so exhausted from it. I know my friends don’t want to hear me complain – so I don’t. And I know that it isn’t my real friends who say things that piss me off but still. I hate defending myself. I don’t ask for help, I don’t complain – I feel like they should go out of their way to support me when I go out of the way to spare them! Is that selfish??? That feels so fair. I try so hard to be a good friend. I know I’m not – I know that I suck at times because my life is so overwhelming but I do try. I just don’t want to end up with no one. I just don’t even know who I am anymore.

Its like every time I catch my breath something goes terribly wrong. I’ve just tried so hard to be positive for the last year and a half but its gets so hard to smile. Wednesday will be my one year anniversary of having to stop doing the only job I ever wanted to do. On top of that I lost my health insurance last week and my Rxs will be $1071 a month. I don’t give a fuck about national healthcare and I don’t want to hear a damn about it. You all (American ALers at least) do not deserve to pay my fucking medical bills. There is no reason that close to $200,000 a year should go to me. If you think that we can pull something dumb like a healthcare bail out you are wrong. I don’t even think the US could bail out PG County, Maryland… anyway – that is a different subject and if you comment about it I am going to block you.

I was so happy a few weeks ago and its just seems like I won’t ever be normal again… I had met a guy ( and I know my happiness shouldn’t come from a man) but it was so nice to feel like I was special. Well it lasted a week (and I don’t normally ever let my guard down) It was so dumb of me – so out of character. I thought everything was different. I thought that this person got me. I don’t even know what happened. He just disappeared. I wish I didn’t care but I’m just so embarrassed. I look like an idiot because I thought this person was different. I just didn’t need to ever have that person come into my life. I didn’t need to let my guard down and get my hopes up. I should have just stayed focus on getting better and instead I hoped and I got fucked.

So in one week, its just seems to be too much. I do feel better now that I got it off my chest.

Fuck you my credit!
Fuck you my old job!
Fuck you (name)!
Fuck you snuggie he gave me ( I will be burning it!)
FUCK YOU chronic pain!
Fuck you PERFECTIONIST personality I have!
FUCK YOU alcoholic!
fuck you stupid disbelievers!
FUCK YOU medication side effects!
Fuck you Rx costs!

I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL FIX THIS. I WILL CLIMB OUT OF THIS HOLE BETTER THAN I WAS! I WILL NOT FAIL BECAUSE I DON’T EVER LOSE.

ahhhhhh damn that felt good. Thank you for your attention