Fall from Grace

I just need to get this all off my chest. I can’t carry it in my soul anymore. If I just scream as loud as I can the weight will be lifted and I will breath again.

Its been a long hard fall from what my life used to be and how great it was to what it has become now that I’m sick. I had a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, beautiful top level condo with hardwood floors, a kitchen I could cook for friends in. A couch to laugh and watch movies on. I had a job that was stressful but fulfilling. I was doing what I had worked my whole life to achieve. Now I can’t work – it will be a year on Wednesday. I’m living at home with my parents (thank God i’m not homeless) and they are a mess. My credit has been destroyed. Everything I strived for has vanished in a blink of an eye. I have friends who don’t think I’m sick – they will say things like “you aren’t always in pain” or “why are you hurting – what did you do?” NOTHING – I am always in fucking pain – I have chronic pain – just because I don’t say anything everyday about where the pain is because I know it gets old doesn’t mean I’m some fucking liar. I don’t ever want to talk about it! I’m so exhausted from it. I know my friends don’t want to hear me complain – so I don’t. And I know that it isn’t my real friends who say things that piss me off but still. I hate defending myself. I don’t ask for help, I don’t complain – I feel like they should go out of their way to support me when I go out of the way to spare them! Is that selfish??? That feels so fair. I try so hard to be a good friend. I know I’m not – I know that I suck at times because my life is so overwhelming but I do try. I just don’t want to end up with no one. I just don’t even know who I am anymore.

Its like every time I catch my breath something goes terribly wrong. I’ve just tried so hard to be positive for the last year and a half but its gets so hard to smile. Wednesday will be my one year anniversary of having to stop doing the only job I ever wanted to do. On top of that I lost my health insurance last week and my Rxs will be $1071 a month. I don’t give a fuck about national healthcare and I don’t want to hear a damn about it. You all (American ALers at least) do not deserve to pay my fucking medical bills. There is no reason that close to $200,000 a year should go to me. If you think that we can pull something dumb like a healthcare bail out you are wrong. I don’t even think the US could bail out PG County, Maryland… anyway – that is a different subject and if you comment about it I am going to block you.

I was so happy a few weeks ago and its just seems like I won’t ever be normal again… I had met a guy ( and I know my happiness shouldn’t come from a man) but it was so nice to feel like I was special. Well it lasted a week (and I don’t normally ever let my guard down) It was so dumb of me – so out of character. I thought everything was different. I thought that this person got me. I don’t even know what happened. He just disappeared. I wish I didn’t care but I’m just so embarrassed. I look like an idiot because I thought this person was different. I just didn’t need to ever have that person come into my life. I didn’t need to let my guard down and get my hopes up. I should have just stayed focus on getting better and instead I hoped and I got fucked.

So in one week, its just seems to be too much. I do feel better now that I got it off my chest.

Fuck you my credit!
Fuck you my old job!
Fuck you (name)!
Fuck you snuggie he gave me ( I will be burning it!)
FUCK YOU chronic pain!
Fuck you PERFECTIONIST personality I have!
FUCK YOU alcoholic!
fuck you stupid disbelievers!
FUCK YOU medication side effects!
Fuck you Rx costs!

I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL FIX THIS. I WILL CLIMB OUT OF THIS HOLE BETTER THAN I WAS! I WILL NOT FAIL BECAUSE I DON’T EVER LOSE.

ahhhhhh damn that felt good. Thank you for your attention 

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